


if you lose the will to fight (help me help you tonight)

by OsleyaKomWonkru



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: Broken Octavia Blake, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Episode: s06e02 Red Sun Rising, F/F, Fix-It, Gen, Niylah is a True Friend, Octavia Gets Validation, Pre-Relationship, Supportive Niylah
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-10
Updated: 2019-05-10
Packaged: 2020-02-29 13:31:47
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,606
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18779263
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/OsleyaKomWonkru/pseuds/OsleyaKomWonkru
Summary: Niylah helps Octavia after her breakdown in the cafeteria, and gives her hope for the future.“Just end it. Please.” Octavia sobbed. “I want this to be over. That’s the only way the pain ends.”“No, it’s not.” Niylah said, reaching out a hand to pull one of Octavia’s out of her hair. “The pain ends when you learn to forgive yourself.”“They’ll never forgive me.”“We’re not worrying about them. We’re worrying about you.” Niylah pressed her lips to Octavia’s bruised knuckles. “You can’t control how other people feel about you. But you can control how you feel about yourself.”“I don’t want to feel anything.” Octavia tried to pull her hand away but Niylah held it tight. “Why can’t you just let me go?”“You saved my life. And now you need me to save yours.”





	if you lose the will to fight (help me help you tonight)

**Author's Note:**

> Still on the Niytavia feels train. Not getting off. This train goes on for forever.
> 
> I just want them to be happy :( Someone please give Octavia a hug already.
> 
> Trigedasleng:
> 
> Ai hod yu in - I love you

Octavia sat sobbing in the middle of the cafeteria floor.

The rest of Skaikru lost interest and drifted away, taking their seats on the opposite side of the room from her. Abby gave her one last contemptuous look and joined them. Jordan hovered for a moment, unsure as to what to do.

Niylah stepped up to him, resting a hand on his shoulder. “Go. I have her.”

“Out of all of the stories my parents told me, hers was the most confusing.”

“It would be.” Niylah agreed quietly. “Because they didn’t have the full story. And the parts they didn’t have are the ones most vital to understand her now. She’s in so much pain, Jordan. She needs help, not - not the way people are treating her.”

“They’re in pain too, looks like.”

Niylah smiled wanly. “We all carry the scars of the past. Life has never been easy on any of us, and the six years we spent in the bunker were possibly the worst of all. They were very hard. Harder on her more than anyone else, because she was the one who had to make the decisions that ensured our survival. And they were nothing but impossible choices with no good options. I can tell you about them sometime, but right now I need to help her. Could you please bring me a bowl of water and a cloth?”

Jordan nodded, and retreated to the other side of the cafeteria to do as she asked.

Octavia was still sobbing, and didn’t look up when Niylah sat down on the floor in front of her. Neither of them said anything. Jordan returned with the water and cloth and put them down next to Niylah. She thanked him with a nod and he departed.

_“Okteivia.”_ Niylah said softly. _“Okteivia,_ look at me.”

Octavia didn’t respond or even give any acknowledgment that she’d heard her.

“I’m sorry, _Okteivia.”_ Niylah whispered. “I’m sorry. I didn’t realize just how much pain you were in. I’m sorry I enabled it earlier. Letting you fight the way you were. But you don’t need to be in pain anymore. Let me help you.”

“Just end it. Please.” Octavia sobbed. “I want this to be over. That’s the only way the pain ends.”

“No, it’s not.” Niylah said, reaching out a hand to pull one of Octavia’s out of her hair. “The pain ends when you learn to forgive yourself.”

“They’ll never forgive me.”

“We’re not worrying about them. We’re worrying about you.” Niylah pressed her lips to Octavia’s bruised knuckles. “You can’t control how other people feel about you. But you can control how you feel about yourself.”

“I don’t want to feel anything.” Octavia tried to pull her hand away but Niylah held it tight. “Why can’t you just let me go?”

“You saved my life. And now you need me to save yours.”

“You don’t owe me anything. Go. Live your life.”

“My life needs you in it. If you can’t live for yourself right now, live for me.”

“I’ll just disappoint you too. That’s all I’ve ever been. A disappointment.”

“Not possible. You saved my life. You saved the lives of hundreds. People are angry that many died in the gorge. That people died in the fighting pits. That people died so that we would have food to live. But they are forgetting that without you, they wouldn’t have even made it that far.” Niylah grabbed both of Octavia’s shoulders. “You saved us all.”

Octavia’s eyes turned glassy and unfocused, body swaying as if she seemed ready to keel over, Niylah’s hands the only thing keeping her steady, and Niylah wasn’t sure if it was the emotional burdens she carried or the result of too many blows to the head. Blows that she’d been powerless to stop as others held her back.

_“Okteivia. Okteivia,_ look at me.” Niylah repositioned them so that Octavia was resting back against the wall, a dead weight in her arms as she moved her.

Holding Octavia’s face in both hands, she watched her pupils, looking for signs of concussion like Jackson had taught her in the bunker. Not seeing any of the signs, Niylah deduced that it wasn’t a physical ailment that was making Octavia unresponsive.

Not sure what to do next, Niylah reached back to get the bowl of water and cloth, at least she could get the blood cleaned off of Octavia’s bruised face. As she worked, she cataloged more bruised skin than clear skin, and her heart sank. How could the others not see what she saw? That Octavia was just a girl with the weight of the world on her shoulders, needing any sort of reassurance that everything she’d done for them had meant something. That she hadn’t torn herself apart for no reason. That all of their suffering for those six long years had brought them to a better life.

Was there a better life? That was still up for debate. But since their ship had been boarded by unfamiliar individuals, it was evident that the planet - moon - below them was capable of supporting and sustaining life. Whether it would sustain them too was still up in the air, but… Niylah had hope. Octavia needed hope too.

And what was hope? Niylah remembered something she’d read in a book she’d found in the bunker.

She cradled Octavia’s bruised jaw gently, and rested their foreheads together. “Hold on, pain ends.”

“When?” Octavia’s voice was barely a whisper, but even in its barely-there ephemerality, Niylah could hear the agony in it.

“When you let hope back into your heart. Hold On, Pain Ends. Hope.”

“Do I even still have a heart?”

“Of course you do.” Niylah murmured, pressing a kiss to her temple. “If you didn’t, all of this wouldn’t hurt you the way it does. But the pain can stop. It won’t be right away. It’ll take time as you learn to love yourself again. But it can happen. And you don’t have to do it alone. A long time ago, I said I was with you. Nothing about that has changed. _Ai hod yu in, Okteivia.”_

“You can’t mean that.”

“I do. You have a big heart. So big that it takes on all the pain that others feel. But you need to let that go. You need to take care of yourself now. Let the light in, after you’ve had to dwell in darkness for so long.” Niylah reached into her pocket, pulling out something that she’d been carrying with her for - well, over a century now. “You remember this?”

Octavia looked down at what Niylah was holding. “That was your mother’s.”

Niylah nodded. She’d told Octavia the story in the bunker. The story of her mother’s bracelet. That when Niylah was scarcely a teenager, they’d found it a mile off from the trading post, broken with many of the beads missing from their leather strings - then a trail of beads that led them to a reaper tunnel. Niylah had worn it - broken strings and missing beads and all - ever since, in memory of her mother who had been taken by the mountain.

Now, she tied the delicate leather strands around Octavia’s wrist. “I want you to take care of this for me.”

“Niylah, I can’t, I - I know how much it means to you.”

“And I know that means you’ll do what it takes to keep it safe.” Niylah ran a thumb over the bruise on Octavia’s jaw that had been her fault, when they were sparring, though minor compared to all of the other bruises littering Octavia’s body. “And that means keeping yourself safe.”

“Why are you doing this, Niylah?”

“I told you. I love you and I want you to have a fresh start. A fresh start in a world where you don’t have to make the kinds of decisions that you’ve had to make to keep everyone alive. Your only mission right now is to heal your heart.” Niylah took Octavia’s hand and pressed it to her own chest, over her heart. “Until yours is healed, you can use mine for the both of us.”

A faint light seemed to appear in Octavia’s eyes, one she hadn’t seen in years. As if her hope was beginning to awaken again. “You really mean that?” Octavia whispered.

“I do. I’m with you. In whatever way you want me to be.”

“You think you can save me?”

“Only you can save yourself. You have to be the one to make the choice to get better. But I will be here to help you through it, in any way that I can. But the choice to hope must be yours.”

Octavia nodded, shaking a bit as a few tears slipped from her eyes. “I choose. I choose hope.” She let out a shuddering breath, resting her forehead against Niylah’s. “I choose hope.”

“Good.” Niylah murmured, rubbing a hand over Octavia’s shoulder blade, soothing her tears, pulling her in for a hug. “That’s good.”

Octavia clung to Niylah, clearly touch-starved, needing the peace and reassurance that Niylah was happy to give. She felt Octavia’s hot tears on the back of her neck, as years of pain and agony drained from Octavia’s body right there on the cafeteria floor.

It seemed appropriate, Niylah thought. Octavia’s deepest pain had started in a cafeteria, it only made sense that she began to put that pain to rest in one. Held captive as they were by persons unknown, Niylah didn’t know what would happen to them, but if she got Octavia to hope - that was the only thing that mattered to her.

**Author's Note:**

> Title is from "Don't Let Go" by No Sleep for Lucy. Spotify's Discover Weekly gave me this song, I adored it, and now I need a Niytavia fanvid to it! But since I can't vid, I had to settle for using it for a fic title. If anyone else wants to vid them though, I recommend this song.
> 
> (Also, yes, Niylah does quote Robin Hood in OUAT there for a moment about their hearts. I stan the same character archetype in each fandom, and Octavia and Regina Mills are the same character archetype, so it only fits.)


End file.
